2006, 05/24 - Relationships

I am reading several books currently:

• The Successful Child: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Turn Out Well by my beloved Dr William Sears (purchased this weekend)
• Everything Parent's Guide to the Strong-willed Child by...someone (Okay, so I haven't started this one yet--also purchased this weekend)
• Unequal Childhoods : Class, Race, and Family Life by Annette Lareau (Which, yes, I have totally been working on for over a year, but I like to read lots of books at once, and this one is always in the car instead of in front of my face on the coffee table, but I really like it...)
• Ten Great Works of Philosophy by Robert Paul Wolff (Umm... also permanently installed in the car...)
• Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Freshly Updated by Judith Martin (I LOVE MISS MANNERS!)
• and much, much, more!

The last book I finished was Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. It was "okay"; the ending was much too short.

Previous to that, I read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Loved it.

So, what's new with me?

• I am officially divorced.
• I am in an amazing relationship with a Brazilian musician. But it's too amazing. Can't possibly last.
• I cut my own hair on a whim last week, and it actually looks really good.
• My daughter hates me.

Munchkin! Is! Crying! And! Whining! All the time!

And she says I'm MEAN! And that she HATES me!

And she LIES!!!!!

And she told me she got in trouble at school this week! More than once! And she hit someone yesterday! But her teachers haven't said anything about it! And she's NEVER gotten in trouble at school before!

Suddenly I feel like I am in over my head.

Munchkin is frustrated and acting-out. We are going through a Very Difficult Phase. I am frustrated and acting-out myself. I am trying to be More Energetic. I am trying to be More Consistent. I am trying to be More Attentive. But, F*CK! She's still crying over every little thing! I SUCK!!!

But I've talked to my mommy-friends. I am not alone in dealing with whining, hitting, hating, and crying. So, a little relief there. But, GAWD, I want my sweet, cuddly, HAPPY girl back!

Before Munchkin was born, I read The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two by Dr Sears--COVER-TO-COVER. (Also The Complete Book of Breastfeeding by Marvin S. Eiger & Sally Wendkos Olds, but that's not what we're talking about today, although, by the way, YES, I totally recommend this book!) I LOVE The Baby Book, and I feel so secure in my parenting when I read it, because I did everything it said, and I did it well, and I had a PERFECT BABY and a PERFECT TODDLER. But that was when it was just me and Munchkin. Now we have Outside Influences, like peers and teachers and her own father...

MY POINT! I HAD A POINT!

In Dr Sears' The Successful Child, he states ten or so characteristics of a "successful" child. Top on the list was an ability to develop and maintain successful relationships.

I read what he had to say about this, and I looked up at the sky and sighed. Fuck. That's the part I skipped. I was more concerned with making sure she knew about Good Touch and Bad Touch and Remember You Don't Have To Hug Anyone If You Don't Want To Not Even Your Grandparents Who Just Bought You Everything You Even Glanced Near At The PX. I was more concerned with being There For Her than EVER getting out and developing a life of my own after we moved out of Texas. She's seen me with friends or family only a handful of times. She saw me in an unhappy marriage where there was very little affection. She saw me with my inlaws whom I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. She's seen me with my bosses with whom I try to maintain a distanced, professional relationship.

Munchkin and I are warm with each other. We share LOTS of hugs and cuddles. But I have not taught her to share her warmth with others. I have not shown her how I share warmth with others, because I haven't been sharing warmth with others.

I was taught the importance of Being Independent and Doing The Right Thing. I was either never taught or never really picked up on the lessons of Loving, Trusting, or Having Fun. I thought people were expendable.

I am learning some things about relationships and life and the world. And I am reading things that reinforce the truth of these new ideas. And I am having to look at changing some things about myself for happiness and growth. And I am having to teach Munchkin these things about relationships at the same time that I am learning them.

How fucking lucky is Munchkin that she will be learning these things at age five instead of twenty-five? How fucking jealous am I of my own daughter for having someone like ME as a mother? HEY, MUNCHKIN! I'LL TRADE YOU!

I started off the day feeling like a shitty mother. But it's going to get better. And it's going to be awesome. And we're going to be great. And we're going to be happy and healthy and make differences in the world.

Back to reading.